When LMFAO released “I’m sexy and I know it” I was relieved that someone finally put my mantra into song form. If you have the pleasure of knowing me in real life, you know that my confidence is nauseating. Some people say that I only act this way to cover up for my inner insecurities. Nope, sorry to disappoint you, I really think I’m sexy all the time. Until last night.

I was given the AMAZING opportunity to take a sexy pole dancing class at Stigma Lounge. I would like to first say thank you a million times to the beautiful and talented owner of Stigma Tattoo Bar, Kelly Wells. This woman is in better shape than any of my friends, and she is a mother! Her body is fierce and she probably has more upper body strength than your boyfriend. I assumed with a body like hers she works out all the time, does yoga, palates, aerobics, weight training…I was wrong. I asked her what she does to work out and she replied, “This is all I do. I really don’t have time for anything else!” All she does is pole-dance, and after my lesson I can completely understand how she stays in such amazing shape simply by doing what she loves to do, dancing. Fortunately for all of us, Kelly’s studio offers pole-dancing, chair dancing, as well as burlesque dance classes several times a week.

The walk from my car to Stigma was real fun as the attire for class is booty shorts and high heels. I never, EVER, wear shorts, especially black spandex ones, size: toddler. I have stumpy thick legs and shorts just don’t do it for me. I didn’t think it would be a big deal as I figured that I would only be around girls in the studio, no one to impress. Wrong. Not only are there several male staff members, but there were a couple of male customers sitting at the bar. Someone must have thought it would be a real funny joke to direct these old dudes to Stigma when they were really looking for Rachel’s. It didn’t bother me to have these random men around, I actually felt bad for them that they were not going to get the show they were expecting, and my inner exhibitionist was up for the challenge. We were in a class for beginners, though we still had to sign a waiver just in case we spun around the pole too fast, or maybe fell too hard into a split.

There is a sign above every pole in the room that says, “180 POUND WEIGHT LIMIT”. I was so thankful I decided not to eat all my fries at lunch earlier. Did you know that the pole spins with you? This was news to me. It’s actually also kind of bouncy. It also made me feel better when Kelly instructed us to put this liquid powder on our hands. The powder helps you hold the pole without sliding. Here I was thinking strippers just had naturally extreme gorilla grip. You also first clean the pole with ammonia, as this helps to lessen the “slipperiness”. Kelly taught us a series of moves that eventually turned into a complete minute long routine.

Move 1: Hold the pole with your right hand, and slowly walk around it. Look sexy.

Move 2: Slither down the pole, turn to your right, bend over, hair flip. Think sexy.

Move 3: Gain momentum, reach up, and jump holding your feet in the air causing you to spin around. Be sexy.

Move 4: Wrap your right knee around the pole and hold your left leg in the air, still spinning. Spin sexy.

Move 5: Put your legs straight out while and hold the pole with only 1 hand, arch your back and drop your head back. SEXY!

Move 6: Slide down the pole like a fireman (this move is indeed called ‘The Fireman’), and crawl around on the floor. Finish with a hair flip. Flip sexy.

I had every move down, except for the “be sexy” part.

After Move 2, I was defeated. Like I said earlier, there is nothing in the world that makes me feel unsexy. I met my match at the pole. All the other girls could do the moves effortlessly and gracefully. I’ve never had any kind of athletic ability, I never danced, I wasn’t a cheerleader, and it showed in these very moments. My upper body strength is terrible; I could hardly hold myself up to spin. I was offered a drink upon my arrival, and I probably should have had it to make my body more relaxed. On the other hand, I’m afraid if I did drink I might have puked while jumping and turning around the pole. Spinning around the pole is the scariest part. At one point I screamed with terror “I’m Going too fast!” and all of my friends replied “no, you’re really not”. Embarrassing.

After an hour of learning tricks, our class time was up, and I was secretly happy I got to escape. Truthfully, this class made me realize I need to start working out again, at a gym. I would love to take another class once I am in the shape necessary to do the trickiest of tricks. I also wouldn’t mind a guy to perform the routine for in a more private setting.

This morning I must admit, my arms and legs are both sore, and I feel better and fitter, than I did yesterday. There is so much fun to be had at Stigma. Fun for you, fun for your friends, and fun for the creepers sitting at the bar. In all, I learned three things last night at Stigma.

1. Pole dancing isn’t easy.
2. I can never be a fire fighter.
3. After reviewing the pictures, black spandex booty shorts actually do look great on me.

Be sure to look into more information and class schedules at http://www.polegasmic.com/.